#HHT, Breaking Dawn, Eclipse, Edward Cullen, Holy hard tool, Jacob, manmeat, New Moon, PattinPerv, peen vs. pecks, Rob hot, rob pattinson, Robert Pattinson, Robp33n Wednesdays, Robpeen Wednesdays, Robporn, Robs peen, Robward, RPattz, sixpack, Taylor Lautner, Team Edward, Team Jacob, TheColdShower, Twilight, Very pervy pervs, VPP, VPPs
*In case you didn’t realize it: We have a new header. This lovely piece of art was brought to us by @gittsyexe along with a bunch of others to change every now and again so a superHUGE thanks gittsy for doing this for me bb! I fucking love you!*
Please only continue reading if you are over 18 years old. Serious perving ahead.
I have a bone to pick…an itch to scratch…a story to tell…
Ladies & Gentlemen (I know there’s some boys out there enjoying this too, even some straight one’s, admit it!), I give you my story of why, oh why, I am, & will always be…Team Edward!
Let’s start by going back into the far, far away time of Jun 29, 2010…the day we all flocked to the theaters to see the midnight showing of Eclipse. Or, like me & my Chicas, went at 5 PM to get in line for the 7 PM Triple Twilight Feature.
Kicking back and watching all the movies was great! I had two of my best Twilight Chicas along with me and all that sittin’ around in the theater gave me & my big mouth plenty of time to get to know all the women in my row, the row behind me & the one in front of me, where a dude was also sitting (‘sup man!’). We are all excited & yet terrified, because our city is due to get hit by a hurricane at any time. But being the true fans we are, we came to this event anyways. Yes, we rocked!
The movie started and I suddenly had a hard time sitting still. I realized that the choice of lace panties, rather than cotton, might not have been the best idea. Robward is damn f*ckin’ HOT! He’s just walkin’ around, lookin’ damn, DAMN fine, like it’s the most natural thang in the world. It’s too much. It’s delish. I’m in Heaven *sigh*.
…but then….just as the movie starts to come to the end, I notice Bella and Jacob standing on that stupid mountain and I know what’s coming. What did I do? I covered my eyes, of course! Full on arm over eyes along with the “Tell me when it’s over” announcement. No way was I watching that sh*t…
Or so I thought!
Those Chicas…the one’s I bonded with by choosing Eclipse over the safety of being at home with the hurricane coming…BITCHES GRABBED MY ARMS!!! “No, no, you’re watching this, girl!” WHAT?! This can not be happening! I look to my left and my girl Niki suddenly has this evil look in her eye. Before I can say anything, she has my left arm pinned behind me! DAMNIT! I always knew she was Team Jacob, with her “Edward is so thin, I’d break him like a twig” comments, but she’s never fully come right out and said it! I look to my right, author & former Twi’ed beta Jajo is sitting there, laughing at me. I’m not surprised, she’s Team Jasper, it was a long shot to expect her to not enjoy the comedy of this.
I’m alone & I’m f*cked >:(
Once the gross display is done and I feel like freakin’ Alex from Clockwork Orange, I give Niki shit about it. Her response?
“Oh girl, look at that yummy werewolf, how can you not want that more than Edward?”
That was 4 months ago…Niki, I finally have an answer for you.
That’s right ladies, it’s a matter of taste. If you get off on pecks, and touching them and looking at them, well then, go right ahead and love Jacob. But what good do those puppies do? Can they hit your G-spot? Can they make you scream in foreign languages? Can they bring you so much pleasure you brain goes to complete and utter mush? If so, again, have at it….but come on, you know they don’t!!!
For that kind of lovin’, you need a man with some real meat. You need a man with a Jack Hammer that can really satisfy! So tell me, between these two men, which do you think could get that job done:
It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it!?
But you know, as I’m writing this post and making this animtion, I do have some feelings of pity for Taylor. Must be hard, or in this case not hard, to be the butt of these jokes. I almost feel bad for picking on him…almost…
Hey, not all men can be as blessed as Rob/Edward!
And not only in real life, but poor Taylor/Jacob gets shit for lacking in FanFiction all the time as well. Just like in Grasping Darkness by KiyaRaven:
“You know, Jacob,” I said, sadness coloring my voice, “it’s tragic to think that in the two years you were dating Isabella, you never once gave her an orgasm.”
He paused and glared at me.
“That’s a fucking lie. Bella ALWAYS came when we had sex.”
“Really?” I challenged. “I don’t think so. Did you hear those noises she made on the DVD, when I was fucking her with my mouth, and hands, and cock? Have YOU ever caused her to make those noises, Jacob? Think carefully.”
“Shut the FUCK UP!” he bellowed, squeezing his eyes shut as his whole body began to tremble and quake.
Oh, I’m enjoying this way too much. Bad, Edward. Bad.
Oh, well, too late to stop now. Plus…don’t really want to.
“Oh, come on, Jacob,” I goaded, “don’t be like that. It’s not your fault you’re sexually inept. Some men have it and some men don’t. I just happen to have it. All of it. And dear God in heaven, don’t I love it when Isabella screams my name in pleasure when I give it to her.”
So there you have it, Niki, the reason I choose Edward. You Team Jacob girls can keep your Colgate smile, backflippin’ Peck boy, please, fell free to enjoy! But me? I’m a woman with needs. I’m 32 years old, I don’t have time to dick around…gimme Rob/Edward & his glorious joystick any day!
Once again, a BIG freakin’ I LOVE YOU to rdmickey1989 for sending me so much Robp33n, it’s insane! She also gave me the idea & pics for this post! Why the hell am I doing this and not her???